Most of the examples on this page are for girls and women
because Paula M. Kramer has been researching betrayal between
girls and women since 1988.
You can use these examples to speak equality no matter what gender you are.
Speak equality to hear equality.
Equality Insight #1
The words you speak go into other people’s ears and come out of their mouths.
Equality Insight #2
If you don’t want inequality words about you to come out of other people’s mouths, don’t speak inequality words into their ears.
Equality Insight #3
If you want equality words about you to come out of other people’s mouths, speak equality words into their ears.
Speaking equality is a good gossip strategy.
You can speak equality in at least four ways.
To hear positive identities about yourself,
speak positive identities about other people.
Chip away stereotypes by giving positive identities to yourself and to other people. Even when you don’t like yourself or another person, think of a positive identity that is true. Base the positive identities on internal characteristics, not external characteristics.
If you read the Murder Secret Families page, you’ll learn that my mother committed the ultimate betrayal against me — she tried to kill me twice. I’ve come to terms with her actions and walked away from her. Because I recognize the importance of positive identities for everyone, I can give my mother a positive identity. My mother had a wonderful singing voice and made hundreds of people happy at special occasions. She tried to kill me as a way of avoiding a negative identity forced on her.
If I can give a positive identity to the woman who tried to kill me twice, you can give positive identities to people you don’t like for lesser reasons.
Positive identities for you examples:
I’m a great cook.
I’m good at making connections between different pieces of research
to create new strategies for success.
I’m willing to help out in a pinch doing job work.
Positive identities for other women examples:
She’s a great singer.
He’s good at making people feel important.
She’s good at taking charge in a crisis and showing people
how to ease the crisis.
Positive identities for women in different jobs/professions from yours*
County Maintenance Worker
If she knows how to do the work and how to talk about the work,
she’s right for the job.
High School Football Player
If she gets back up after being rocked to the ground and can hit the
quarterback hard, she’s a football player.
She can be aggressive for a client and easy going in her personal life.
She can be a lawyer and have other skills and talents.
She can be a lawyer and still be a nice person.
Armored Truck Driver
Just because she’s thin doesn’t mean she can’t do the same work
men can do.
*I am collecting examples of stereotype chipping statements for all professions. Email your suggestions to success at speakingfromtriumph dot com.
To hear benefits about yourself,
speak benefits about other people.
Chip away stereotypes in general by giving examples of benefits people enjoy today because of women who were able to use their intelligence, skills, and talents.
Katherine Goble Johnson did research that helped lead to safer regulations
for airplanes. The new regulations require a minimum distance between
flight paths to prevent smaller planes from falling out of the sky near bigger planes.
Ruane Jeter invented the toaster with a digital clock that allows us to brown our toast
to our taste.
Florence Nightingale established basic concepts for the nursing profession that are
still applied today.
Find examples that directly affect the people in your life who criticize women. Use the examples in front of other people to encourage further talk about benefits from women.
To hear understanding about your life situations,
speak understanding about other people’s life situations.
Chip away stereotypes by asking other women to tell their stories. Repeat their stories as they fit into conversation.
She didn’t offer to wash dishes because she’s in pain. Her spine was injured
and any activity can be painful. She’s afraid people won’t believe her when
she’s says she’s in pain because her disability is invisible. For her, seeming to
be rude is sometimes preferable to having people think she’s a whining liar.
She just walked out on that job with a “good company” because it was beneath
her intelligence. They were excited about how intelligent she was when they
hired her, but the job they gave her was just sticking labels on file folders and
filing them. They weren’t taking advantage of her intelligence, they were wasting
Three of her family members died in a space of five years. She’s avoids talking to
people because she’s figuring out how to live with her grief. She’s not feeling
haughty towards you or anyone else.
I once let life difficulties distract me from preparing for a presentation. In spite
of the life difficulties, I knew I should prepare more. My presentation wasn’t as
good as it should have been. Now when someone isn’t doing as well as he or
she should, I wonder what distractions prevented them from doing their best.
Sometimes life distractions leave no time for preparation and prevent concentration.
I listen and watch for whatever is valuable in what they do. When I can, I bring
attention to that value. Positive feedback gives the individual confidence and gives
other participants a reason to look for what is valuable to them.
Of course, some women are whining liars and some women are haughty, but most women are not. And some of the whining liars are bumping up against glass ceilings they don’t know how to break. Some women are haughty to cover their own feelings of worthlessness. The more stories you listen to, the more truth you’ll learn. Encourage other women to tell their stories by telling your stories.
To hear positive questions,
speak positive questions.
Chip away stereotypes with questions.
This is an edited excerpt from my daily journal
December 15, 2017
The other day, Village Clerk asked me to be in a pool of poll workers. Today I asked
Village Clerk about the training. When Village Clerk presented a list of names to
the village board, everyone insisted that my name be removed. All the other poll workers
said that they would quit if I were approved. Village Clerk found it repulsive and unjust.
I told Village Clerk about a local performance group that had ignored my script for an
upcoming show and a historic building committee that excluded my documentary from
an art show. I said that people would twist anything to keep me out. Village Clerk said
that’s what the board did. Village Clerk has seen the board act in prejudiced ways before
and considers the people from the local church to be the most prejudiced of all.
Village Clerk plans to resign.
The poll workers came to their decision about me even though they had spent little time with me. I rarely talked to any of them. Instead of talking with me, these stereotypers talked about me.
In similar situations, ask stereotypers these types of questions:
“I’m curious. When did you last talk with ————-?”
“I’m curious. How much time have you spent with ————-?”
“I’m curious. What is ————-‘s side of the story?”
“I’m curious. Would you like people who barely know you to say negative things about you?”
If you feel brave, you could be curious about something else.
I am not an alcoholic. I am not an addict. I am not a criminal. I am not a homewrecker. I am not a child abuser.
What could my unforgivable crime be? I think my crime is expecting equality. Equality with me is apparently painful beyond endurance.
Here is the question to ask if you feel brave enough to ask it:
“I’m curious. Are you afraid of equality with ————-?”
I’d like to hear from anyone brave enough to ask that question. I want to know what the response is.
Point To Ponder
When you make other people unequal to you,
you make yourself unequal to them.
The poll workers made themselves unequal to me by making me unequal to them.
I am on the verge of becoming an international bestselling author.
I am making a difference in the world with three members of the 2020 Brainz 500 Global List.
The poll workers made themselves unequal to everything that will come to me because of who I am.
The poll workers ignored who I am so they could stereotype me. Do you want to risk making yourself unequal by stereotyping other people?
© Paula M. Kramer, 2021
All rights reserved.
Last updated January 14, 2021.